I complain, treat people rudely, and I am spiteful. I no longer extend common courtesies to others because a new game has begun. It has now become a (me first, screw you, look how obnoxious and lewd I can be), world. I’ll spit as you walk by, fart, belch, and scratch my balls. My language is obscene, and I take pleasure in the discomfort I cause for those around me.
I do not care about you, this community, this country, this world. You do not care about me. You shake your head in disgust. You avoid me, try to appease or calm me. You are fearful of me, and I take power from that fear. You have no control over me, and that frightens you more.
I am becoming an increasing problem in your life because I am everywhere now. No longer do I exist only among the worst of human life forms. Now I am your neighbor’s daughter, your co-worker, your sons best friend. I live in the malls that you shop in, on the freeways, and in the restaurants, you dine in. I am now becoming you!
I come from poverty, from riches, from life. I am every ethnic race and sex. I exist because you have hurt me over and over again. You have taken away my choices, my self-respect, and have discouraged me in my efforts for self-improvement. You have judged me and condemned me to a life you feel I am deserving. You have taken away my freedoms and my control so that you may feel substantial and important. Now, I will take away yours.
At one time all I wanted was to be noticed and to exist for a purpose other than to serve you. I wanted my voice heard, my actions acknowledged. I wanted to be accepted, to belong, to be loved; but you have changed that, now what I want is to hurt, frighten, and confuse others in revenge. I no longer want your approval or need your appreciation because I no longer care.
I am the problem you have created. Out of anger and frustration, I have let you change me. I am more animal than man, and I exist on instincts alone. Since I no longer care, I cannot find a solution to your oppression; I can only suffer the consequences of it. I feel hatred, and I can no longer see the good in the world around me or even find a thread of it left in my soul.
You think you have won because I no longer matter in this world. I admit that I have allowed you to change me because I am weak. It is easier to make excuses than to stop a wrong, and easier to do nothing than to take a stand. I no longer value myself because you do not appreciate me, and what I once knew as truth; (love, compassion, forgiveness, and honesty), I suppress and ignore you, because you have ignored me. However, what you view as my weakness will surpass your strength, and I shall ultimately win.
Why should I accept responsibility when it is easier to blame you for my actions? I no longer need to do what is right because doing what is right is not expected of me. It is your job to correct my mistakes because I no longer know better. You are the righteous and all-knowing one, not I; therefore I can sit back and become nothing because you see me as nothing.
I have many excuses. I must work harder to learn, so why learn at all. I have experienced violence; therefore I will be violent. I have no support nor the encouragement that you have to succeed. I am a victim. I am poor. People only want me for my money. I am unloved and misunderstood. It is because of you; I am who I am, so you must accept the responsibility for what you have created.
What I want, I will take. I will not work for it because that would imply some moral backbone that I do not possess. I will not respect anyone or anything. I will be seen and behave like the worthless scum you believe me to be. Watch for me; soon you will become me.
You will unfairly lose a promotion you deserved. Someone will accuse of something you did not do, steal from you, or criticize and abuse you. You will be lied to, cheated on, and ignored. You will be cut off in traffic, and left stranded alongside the road. You will receive lewd gestures, be talked rudely too. Your family will resent you, abandon you, and forsake you, and you will be angry!
Every day you will lose more and more of your true self. You will let your pain, frustrations, and anger interfere with what you know is right. Slowly but surely, I will win as you become part of the problem, and no longer a solution to the chaos. You will forget the importance of manners because you no longer experience them. You will misunderstand respect and courtesies extended to as a ploy against you, and generosity will become alien to you in thought. Any ideals involving moral importance will be disregarded, and only negative emotions will be comprehensible. You will consider simple expressions of kindness a significant weakness, and in your mind compassion just puts you in a vulnerable place.
Eventually “I will get to you, ” and you will no longer be able to judge me or suppress me because you will have become me.
Copyright Iva Couchman