Figuring It Out


I spend an enormous amount of time sifting through mountains of information to uncover truths. I would like to boast I have the answers, even a few, but I end up with only more questions.

I welcome you all to join me on the ride of my life, past, and present and hope you enjoy my poems, my memories, my opinions, articles, and more.


The Demons Will Feast

Marie 2018

An unhealthy reaction?

A healthy one is easy to accomplish when someone does not pick at the scab.

We walk away from people in our lives because they are hurtful, mean, abusive, etc… That is healthy and a good choice.

Then… you see them again and they ask you, why?

Then… someone else asks you, why do you feel that way?

Then… a song, a smell, or a memory takes you back to the moment you walked away from, and it all surfaces again.

Then… when you react and are told that that wasn’t a healthy way to respond. WTF?

NO… it is a real way to respond. It is a real reaction to abuse, hurt, and pain. Ask me, don’t judge me.

We can do our best to come to peace with our pain until it presents itself again, then we get to feel it all over again, because no matter what we do when forced to confront the pain for whatever reason, despite putting the pain on the back burner, it still sits idly by, hot, raw, and disturbing.

ONLY, when you have had the ability to make peace with that person, in person, will there be peace, Otherwise, that pain never goes away. You can accept it wasn’t your fault, you can accept it was their issue and not yours, but you never truly forgive until you have a reason. That reason is a journey not always worthy of the fucks that caused the pain, but maybe it is worthy of ourselves?

The rest of our feelings are a blister in our life that left alone is fine. Pop that mother fucker and all the infection comes out and oozes all over our now self. It’s ugly, painful, and while you can try to shut it down, bury it, and run from it, it will attack you the minute it is given the opportunity.

Do not diminish someone still in that pain. Do not shut down their pain. If you really want them to heal, then stand by them as they let it out again, and again, and again, until there is nothing left to let out. Sometimes, in order to be healthy in our reactions, it requires a few reminders of why we walked away from that pain, to begin with.

Overcoming abuse, loss, and tragedy is a personal journey that is overcome with support, understanding, love, and the forgiveness of others while we pursue it. Left alone, well… the demons will feast when we hide from our souls.

We shut down when others make us feel ashamed or uncomfortable. I say the shame lies within those that feel the need to point out our inadequacies, struggles, and anger.

Let me grow past being the person that holds me down!

Copyrighted by Iva Couchman

January 29th, 2020

Vacant Words – Empty Hearts


Like Father Like Daughter
Two pea’s in a pod
You tag team the world
Giving life an arrogant nod

Entitled, pompous, and rude
Wearing reflective pants
You stand there in a silly pot belly stance
I took pleasure in your effort to intimidate
While you spoke on the phone
Expecting me to stand there, and wait

Dependent, sweet, and oh so cunning
Your ambition and goo makes you beautifully stunning
Sold to the highest bidder, the man you call daddy,
Your heart is cracked, confused and
Nothing to call your own, sadly

You point the finger at mommy, while your daddy deflects
You try to be kind while you hang by the neck
Promising lies and ideas that create a new stance
You are stuck getting fucked in the middle of their dance

Boasting and bragging of a tent in the heat
You mock those who pay you for their place of retreat
Being reasonable and kind is a weakness you assume
But are handed your ass by the drama you consume

The storms you create over others that suffer
Taking advantage of life and make it your buffer
You let the air clear while you cry your fake tears
Behind your blind eyes, it is all done in fear

Isn’t it funny how one person can say,
No fuck face. Go away
And isn’t it funny how you had no clue
How easy it would be to stand up to you

Copyrighted by Iva Couchman
25 Jan 2018

A Naked Life


13 April 2017

I had a beautiful experience this evening that I would like to share with all of you.

It is a beautiful sunny, 70-degree day here in Chihuahua, with a light fall breeze, and incredible ocean smell. I certainly don’t take advantage of it nearly as much as I should, but today I did.

Without my camera in hand (yes I said that), and on a whim, I decided to go for a walk on the beach.

Later as I sat on the beach and watched the waves crashing, mesmerized but the color, the smell, and the feeling of letting go, I noticed out of the corner of my eye a woman and her daughter walking in my direction. The woman was large with beautiful skin and dark hair, and she was naked. I was almost mesmerized by the glow of the sun that reflected off her body and thought to myself how beautiful she was.

Her daughter was about three years old and was all wrapped up in a warm coat. I had jeans and a sweatshirt on, which if you know me, tells you it was chilly out. I noticed the woman because she seemed so comfortable walking her daughter naked in the sunset light, not cold, not embarrassed, not uncomfortable in any way.

As they passed, I resumed my thoughts to the waves, which were incredibly soothing and peaceful, and it wasn’t long after they walked by me the first time, they turned around to return. The little girl started to run towards me laughing, and as she did her mom ran after her, also laughing. As they got close, her mom snagged her up and carried her off. I smiled and waved at them and received their beautiful smiles in return. I thought to myself… that was such a lovely experience. I wanted to watch them walk away until I couldn’t see them anymore, but I thought better of it. I was afraid people would think I was staring at a naked woman.

In reflection, it is incredible how much conditioning and irrationality we harbor inside ourselves, and I apparently didn’t learn very much in that exact moment, but I promise you, the next time I am in such a beautiful moment, I won’t look away. Next time, I will appreciate the moment even more, without embarrassment, shyness, or reservation.

I needed this opportunity of reflection and connection, not just with the Universe, but with people too. Current world events have been challenging for me to witness, heartbreaking to be honest, and this night was a reminder for me to remember that I cannot fix the world, but I can correct myself.

Peace everyone.

Copyrighted by Iva Couchman (2017)




Tears flow from my eyes
like blessed water
in an aspergillum

Rising from my soul
they are purified
by my new intentions

in just a moment
I am released from pain

Feelings are expressed
for the time being
I enjoy exposure

The tears stain my face
as a memory
until it’s washed away

Copyrighted 2016, by Iva Couchman

The Disconnect


Hello, yes I know
there’s nothing left
to show

That’s just how
it goes
or so I suppose

Keep telling me
how hard it is
to be

While you escape
from knowing
or loving me

It’s the disconnect
with no regret
the ruin of the love
we were not above

Hello, yes I know
when there is nothing
left to share

We just move away slowly
so we forget
why we cared

Copyrighted (2016) by Iva Couchman

12 Years and counting…


You have to accept your moments with appreciation.

I woke up this morning feeling Bleh. We all have bleh days, but I was surprised by mine this morning. I have been looking forward to this day like I do every year… it is my cancer free anniversary date, and every year I remain cancer free increases my chances that it will never return, so every year is a reason to celebrate.

I feel an enormous amount of appreciation for this day. I love that it is a comfortable 66-degree day, and I don’t feel pressure to do a damn thing I don’t want to do. I am going to embrace my time with Michael, and experience the bleh with a smile, because, no matter what, any day that you are upright and moving forward, sucking air, and in the company of a loved one, it’s a brilliant fucking day!

I love my life, even when I think it sucks because I know I can change what sucks when I decide to get off my ass and change it. I love my family, and my friends. I love all the incredible opportunities I have experienced. Even in those moments when I act like a selfish bitch or feel sorry for myself for whatever disappoints me, there is nothing but pure appreciation in my heart for everything and everyone.

My bleh days are still brilliant in my creation of me. Every experience is an expression of my thoughts, feelings, and physical responses, and since I accept my bleh moments as part of my life experience, I enjoy them. I have been in a weird place for a year now… not a bad place, a bizarre place. I have been away from my family so I know I feel out of sorts just by their absence alone, but the time to reflect, study, learn, and express myself during this time is a tremendous gift. Who gets that?

I love do-overs and re-dos, and I love it when I am proven wrong. So, I know this is an essential stage in my life, and I hope to make the most of it. Today I will let it be bleh, but tomorrow I will begin again on the creation of my life… I will write more, study Spanish harder, and exercise. I will keep working towards being the person I want to be, and in the process of my efforts, I will then be that person.

My mom said today she would describe me as tenacious, and constantly changing. She also said my dad would describe me as uptight. I think they both know/knew me well, and I have a lot I can learn from their perceptions.

I look forward to all my anniversaries; each one is a reminder of how fortunate I am.


23 April 2016

Where Have All The People Gone – 1998


I complain, treat people rudely, and I am spiteful. I no longer extend common courtesies to others because a new game has begun. It has now become a (me first, screw you, look how obnoxious and lewd I can be), world. I’ll spit as you walk by, fart, belch, and scratch my balls. My language is obscene, and I take pleasure in the discomfort I cause for those around me.

I do not care about you, this community, this country, this world. You do not care about me. You shake your head in disgust. You avoid me, try to appease or calm me. You are fearful of me, and I take power from that fear. You have no control over me, and that frightens you more.

I am becoming an increasing problem in your life because I am everywhere now. No longer do I exist only among the worst of human life forms. Now I am your neighbor’s daughter, your co-worker, your sons best friend. I live in the malls that you shop in, on the freeways, and in the restaurants, you dine in. I am now becoming you!
I come from poverty, from riches, from life. I am every ethnic race and sex. I exist because you have hurt me over and over again. You have taken away my choices, my self-respect, and have discouraged me in my efforts for self-improvement. You have judged me and condemned me to a life you feel I am deserving. You have taken away my freedoms and my control so that you may feel substantial and important. Now, I will take away yours.

At one time all I wanted was to be noticed and to exist for a purpose other than to serve you. I wanted my voice heard, my actions acknowledged. I wanted to be accepted, to belong, to be loved; but you have changed that, now what I want is to hurt, frighten, and confuse others in revenge. I no longer want your approval or need your appreciation because I no longer care.

I am the problem you have created. Out of anger and frustration, I have let you change me. I am more animal than man, and I exist on instincts alone. Since I no longer care, I cannot find a solution to your oppression; I can only suffer the consequences of it. I feel hatred, and I can no longer see the good in the world around me or even find a thread of it left in my soul.

You think you have won because I no longer matter in this world. I admit that I have allowed you to change me because I am weak. It is easier to make excuses than to stop a wrong, and easier to do nothing than to take a stand. I no longer value myself because you do not appreciate me, and what I once knew as truth; (love, compassion, forgiveness, and honesty), I suppress and ignore you, because you have ignored me. However, what you view as my weakness will surpass your strength, and I shall ultimately win.

Why should I accept responsibility when it is easier to blame you for my actions? I no longer need to do what is right because doing what is right is not expected of me. It is your job to correct my mistakes because I no longer know better. You are the righteous and all-knowing one, not I; therefore I can sit back and become nothing because you see me as nothing.

I have many excuses. I must work harder to learn, so why learn at all. I have experienced violence; therefore I will be violent. I have no support nor the encouragement that you have to succeed. I am a victim. I am poor. People only want me for my money. I am unloved and misunderstood. It is because of you; I am who I am, so you must accept the responsibility for what you have created.

What I want, I will take. I will not work for it because that would imply some moral backbone that I do not possess. I will not respect anyone or anything. I will be seen and behave like the worthless scum you believe me to be. Watch for me; soon you will become me.

You will unfairly lose a promotion you deserved. Someone will accuse of something you did not do, steal from you, or criticize and abuse you. You will be lied to, cheated on, and ignored. You will be cut off in traffic, and left stranded alongside the road. You will receive lewd gestures, be talked rudely too. Your family will resent you, abandon you, and forsake you, and you will be angry!

Every day you will lose more and more of your true self. You will let your pain, frustrations, and anger interfere with what you know is right. Slowly but surely, I will win as you become part of the problem, and no longer a solution to the chaos. You will forget the importance of manners because you no longer experience them. You will misunderstand respect and courtesies extended to as a ploy against you, and generosity will become alien to you in thought. Any ideals involving moral importance will be disregarded, and only negative emotions will be comprehensible. You will consider simple expressions of kindness a significant weakness, and in your mind compassion just puts you in a vulnerable place.

Eventually “I will get to you, ” and you will no longer be able to judge me or suppress me because you will have become me.

Copyright Iva Couchman


Time For Change – 2003


At a time of change in our lives, our country, our world, I scratch my head at the predominate beliefs that continue to hurt, hinder, and stop our growth as human beings in our society today.

I celebrate the fact that we can all find and live a belief system that works for each of us individually in this country. What I do not understand is the amount of anger, condemnation, and judgmental comments directed at anyone who perceives things differently than they do.

I previously began this article referencing Christian belief because the community I reside in is grounded in Christian values and opinions, and it is here that some of my more recent experiences about the above mentioned has occurred. I have since realized, in considerations of the whole picture in this beautiful country, one could place any religion in review, and come up with the same instances of judgments… so the premise I am selling is based on “any religion.”

My daughter is a freshman in high school and is continually told by her peers that she is going to HELL because of her view on God, our creation, and her interpretation of the “Bible” that differs from her peer’s beliefs. If that was all that transpired, one could chalk it up to a religious debate and let it go very easily, but she experienced discrimination, not only by her peers but by her peer’s parents as well. Excluded from private functions, insulted as a person, and called names like “the devil” merely because of her view of God and her interpretation of the Bible is formed on science, history, and an open point of view that leaves room to learn more. While seemingly a mild example of what religious bias can do, to a 15 year old, the results are heartbreaking.

On September 11th, this country was attacked and thousands lost their lives. It has been explained that these attacks and the brutal loss of lives were the result of another group of people’s view of our beliefs as a country and society. These people, we are told, perceive us as evil, and a nation that needs to be eliminated.

Show me the difference in the beliefs of those who took part in 9-11 towards us and the beliefs of the Christians of my community toward my daughter? Hatred, judgment, discrimination, all based on a belief that is supposed to support love, truth, compassion, and acceptance.

My opinion is that if it brings you comfort, peace, and love, then it is the “right” religion for you. Others who feel differently are certainly entitled, and this article is in no way meant to preach – merely to let you know, that I respect your beliefs and values, and understand that your faith is cumulative of your personal experiences. What I ask of you is that you respect other beliefs with that same understanding.

It is time for a chance in this country. We can choose to follow a path that leads us to the best of what can be, with our knowledge, experience, and foresight, and continue to set the example for the world on what “can be.” Or, proceed with hatred and judgment in our hearts.

Our children deserve the best future we can provide. Our children deserve our love!


Letter Repellent


She knew she’d feel better
when she sent the letter
Her pen rendered medleys
she knew he’d reject

Except her regrets
she let the spellchecker check
Pretended steely nerves
expressed her deep fret

She sweetened the letter freestyle
referenced leech, pervert, pest,
Then smelly redneck
she felt no respect

She let herself free
where he held her reserved
Hell-bent she then pledged
herself she’ll preserve

Copyrighted, 2015 by Iva Couchman